Saturday, December 19, 2009

Love hurts

How can one improve? It is a daily struggle I have. I feel like I'm improving and I think I'm improving, but I am apparently only kidding myself. I do things better, or spend time improving myself, so I feel that there is forward motion in my self improvement. But, something is still wrong. I seem to forever displease Master. This is a battle I will continue to fight, as I want nothing more than a safe, secure, loving relationship with Master. But it hurts my heart that I feel like I'm doing good, but find out that I am not.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Perfection

Perfection is a goal that I wish obtain, but know I will never achieve. So why would I continue to work at being perfect even though I will attain it? I know I am not the only human on Earth who wants to achieve perfection yet know that realistically it will never happen. Do I set myself for failure? I don't believe so. I just believe that there is no actual definition for "perfect" when it comes to a slave. There is always something that can be done better. I consider myself a continual work in progress. And with all the adjustments and tweaking I do, perhaps it will my Master happy. If not that I will continue to tweak and adjust until it does. After all I don't want to be perfect for the whole world, I want to be perfect for my world....which is my Master.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Holiday fun

The Holiday Season is upon us. And it is flying by, as usual. I always amazes me how much time it takes to shop and wrap the gifts, but on Christmas it takes mere moments for the wrapping paper and boxes to be scattered and discarded. Oddly enough that is the best part. I love to watch everyone open their gifts. The look of surprise, delight, or the often comical look of shock is the very best part. And my Master often gives me "the look" when he hands me a gift that he bought for me and I know just by the lack weight of the gift, that it will be something inappropriate to open in front of the kids. That look I get from him makes me tingle all over. So for me I have tingles during the Holidays instead of jingles.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Project

My most loving Master has given me a project. I was make a "slave uniform" for everyday wear when I am home. This was fun and imaginative idea for me. Just one problem...me and sewing machines don't get along. I became so frustrated today with the sewing machine, that I wanted to throw it out the window. In my frustration, I told my Master how frustrated I was and I became upset. My Master was kind enough to take time from his day and come home to check on me because I had been so frustrated. I loved seeing in the middle of the day, but now I embarassed that I hit that frustration point to such a degree that he needed to check on me. I love you Master for the consideration you showed me today. I do feel quite humbled that you would take the time from your day to look in on the poor slave girl!! I will fix the mess I made of the uniform and loving fix the mistakes I made.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Taking a stroll

I work in a very tedious environment where I cannot let my mind wander off it's own very often. My mind seems to need constant supervision, or it will drift away and I end up stopping mid sentence and can't remember where I was. Anyway, today being a slower day than usual, my mind was allowed to take walks into fantasy land. Kind of my own "Happiest Place on Earth". I found my day just flew by when thinking of worshipping my Master's cock, and the various ways I could please him. So if you have never been able too, I would suggest letting your mind take a stroll once in awhile when you are working, it makes the day go by so quickly, and you can act out your fantasies when you get home.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Growing

I have encountered so many articles and suggestions over the last week that I am somewhat overwhelmed. The learning and molding process of becoming a slave has been a great journey. It hasn't all been easy, but it has still been great. I feel myself growing each day and letting my mind expand and all of it is an adventure. As I learn more about myself I share with my Master and I think my communication is getting better. I can't wait for him to come home each day so that I can share my thoughts with him. And my Master, you deserve a huge thank you, as you have been very patient with me.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Learning

In my studying of becoming a better slave, I have run across an interesting concept. Based on my dysfunctional upbringing and events that happened during my childhood I find these thoughts very interesting because I fit into these almost perfectly. I post these here because I will be thinking about this and commenting on what thoughts I have come up with at a later date......I got this from submissiveloving.com

Because of her intense awareness of interpersonal nuance, she is highly sensitive to both criticism and praise. When criticized, she is likely to feel intense shame; when praised, intense pleasure. Since the shame feels so bad, and the praise so pleasurable, she becomes a people-pleaser. This tends to lead to the development of what psychologists call "an external locus of control." Meaning that child bases her self assessment (am I good or bad?) on factors outside herself. The female submissive defines herself based on what others tell her she is.

But if development should go awry, as it too often does for this child, the personality traits she has develop in a distorted manner, and cause her difficulties. In dysfunctional families, this child suffers more than others with tougher hides, less reactive temperments. She is often the one singled out for physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Her very nature makes her available for use: for the parent's angers, frustrations, sexual impulses, or narcissistic gratification. When a submissive child is misused in this fashion, she is unable to utilize her interpersonal talents in a constructive way. She must either develop rigid defenses that constrain her ability to be flexible as an adult, or be blown about by the winds of other's emotions all her life, or become stuck in what are popularly called, "co-dependent relationships."Women who emerge from childhood with these traits will be more or less consciously submissive in that they are STILL moldable, controllable by others. Those who don't consciously seek a Dominant partner will naturally gravitate to a man who influences, controls her in a benevolent manner. Who accepts her, loves her, nurtures her, and values her sensitivity.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Could it be

So I have been given the task of looking at collars and letting my Master which kind I like. A very daunting task as there are so many out there and I like a few different kinds. I'm very exicited about being asked to look at them. I am hoping this means that I will receive a permanent collar. The significance of such a gift is not lost on me. I would be so very honored to wear my Master's gift of a permanent collar. I have a few temporary collars that I wear, even one that my Master made for me which I cherish, but a permanent collar would be the ultimate gift for me. If anyone has any suggestions as to great websites to visit for good collars, please let know.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sweet Release

The warm and tingling feeling is still caressing my butt. I have received punishment for some wrongdoings and while uncomfortable in a physical sense, mentally I feel better for my punishment. I know that my Master has punished me and now those wrongdoings are cleansed from me and I can move on without the guilt weighing me down. So now I turn my energies to my to do list and concentrate on how to make things well between us. I have turned over yet another new leaf and am taking my projects and my rules by the horns and tackling them with 100 percent of my energies 100 percent of the time. By doing this I will overcome my Master's concerns about me and finally be able to prove that this is the lifestyle I want. Please wish me luck.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I find myself in a quandry. My Master doesn't seem happy. I have politely asked if something is bothering him but he just says "no". I have attempted to peak some interest in him, but it doesn't seem to be working. He just seems down. And this affects our time together, because I worry about him. All those questions start coming to mind, like "Is it something I did? Something I said? or even Something I haven't done." I do feel out of sorts when I feel that things are not alright. Hope does prevail and I do believe that things will be well again soon.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Project 1

Here is a "sketch" of my first project for my Master. With his approval I have posted it. It is in rough draft form, and we have not been able to "play" this out yet.....but soon we will I hope....


OBJECTIVE:
I would like to be tethered and/or chained and be completely at your mercy for any all sexual pleasures.
I would wear my leather collar and have a chain attatched to it for you to lead my around by
I would be chained up during sex play and during times that we not engaged in sex play
My mouth would need to remain quiet unless you specifically tell me to speak
I would wait on you hand and foot and do everything you wished and anything and everything to bring you pleasure I could not cum unless you told me too
I would be a total nasty slut and beg for your cock and beg you to fuck me
I will lick you all over to heighten your nerve endings and bring you pleasure from the feeling of my tongue running all over your body
I would to be your most humble servant
SCENE:
I am a new slave at your “sex resort” and need to be taught my you, the Master how to conduct myself. I'm scared and turned on at the same time. Slightly shy, but willing to do anything even if seems a little strange to me. I do have a small defiant streak and you need to break me, so that I will become humble and subserviant.
There are many methods you have at your disposal to teach me, toys, whips, hands and of course how you speak.
I would be either dressed very slutty, or not at all, that is up the Master.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

When Swines Fly

Our humble home has been struck by the dreaded H1N1 virus. We are all experiencing the dreaded virus at different times (luckily I'm done with it) which has been a good thing. We can all take care of the ill one. So with my illness, our fantasy writing had been post poned. The first fantasy I wrote for my Master has not been put to the test yet, but he did like it. Now the second fantasy is something we are working on together line by line and it is turing out to be quite interesting and a ton of fun. It is so much more fun working on it together. I will be finding out if I am able to share some of the writings here on my blog. It would be fun to share some of the experiences with all who read my humble blog. This of course will be completely up to my Master, and I being a good submissive will do as he pleases.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Written Word

My given project is to think of a fantasy and write it out for my Master. I have done one today and will do another tomorrow. This is a fun project for me, but there are so many fantasies that it is hard to choose. And out of the two that I will write for my Master, he will choose whether we will act them out or not. I do feel vulnerable when writing out my fantasies because if they are rejected I feel I have failed my Master. But whether we use one of mine or one of his, I do know that we both reap the joy of the pleasures that we will experience together.
I continue to work on my submissivness and feel that I am making very little progress. Actually, I feel/think I'm making progress, but thankfully my Master is there to remind me of the things I have not accomplished yet. So I will continue to improve myself, so that my Master will look at me and know he made the right choice.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Fulfillment

A sexual fantasy fulfilled for my Master has brought me much joy. To be able to overcome some of my own "restraints" has left me with a feeling of euphoria. Sexual play brought to a new level is always satisfying but, to experience the pleasure of my Master's smile and satiated feelings is rather overpowering (in a good way). Acheiving "sub-space" while acomplishing this task is even better. Unfortunatly, my memories are a little foggy, as far as my feelings are concerned, because being sub-space is like being out of focus of reality. While I remember the physical pleasure and sensations, it is difficult to describe the mental and emotional sensations. But my feelings are not what is important here. The most beautiful thing was watching my Master fulfill a fantasy and pleasure that seemed to radiate of him. I can think of nothing more wonderful.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Shortcomings aplenty

Bestow upon me the wisdom of a submissive. Please, anyone out there that can offer an opinion, point of view, or example of superb submissivness, I would be forever grateful! I have a mind full of ideas to prove and show my Master how much I love him. In fact I have so many, both large and small, that I can't seem to settle on which ones would be best. My mind just spins and spins with so many ideas that I get them all confused. I love my Master above all things, but I need to find a few specific things that will prove to him my complete and utter surrender. I have done some things, but still feel that I have failed him. Perhaps that is the way the of the submissive. My punishments for my shortcomings are always great reminders of all that I need to improve upon, but I feel as if something is still missing. Perhaps I will think upon that alone, maybe it is my shortcomings that are the problem.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Again I have managed to forget one my rules, and I forgot to perform a specific duty that was given to me for today. I got so caught up trying to fulfil my projects for the day that I forgot two things. Not that I consider any rule or duty small, but I was assigned some fairly large projects to accomplish today and I became so focused on those that I forgot. The first one I corrected as soon as my Master reminded me, as it is one of my "everyday" rules, I did a swat for it, and the second one was an opportunity to perform a specific duty for today for my Master during our lunch together and my Master reminded me this evening. I have since apologized and presented myself for punishment, so hopefully, I will get the chance for another opportunity for that duty and I will please my Master. I have been able to mark things off my check list and that I think is pleasing to my Master. I still have a long to go to be a great submissive. I don't believe that I will ever be perfect, because there is always room for improvement. So to my Master, please understand that it isn't because I don't want to do something, I just need to stop getting so focused on one thing. Because I want to do everything I can for you, and perhaps someday I can be worthy of you.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Not So Smart Sometimes

Why am I always so slow to get a rule to stay in my head? You would think that a submissive would always, always, always obey every rule. It's not that I don't want to it, it just hasn't stuck in my head yet. But...why? Stupid, stupid, stupid. No other way around it, I can just be plain stupid. I get a spanking when I don't follow the rules, and it is something I want to do. So it's just that I'm stupid sometimes. Wouldn't a smart person put two and two together and obey all rules at all time, ESPECIALLY if it's something they like and take pride in? I honestly don't know how my Master puts up with me. Hopefully the spankings will put more brain cells in my head!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Love

The quiet beauty of love seeps thru each of us. I look at my Master and my love shines thru. The simple act of watching him sleep brings me such joy. The sweet tast of him when I kiss him goodbye in the morning warms my heart the whole day thru until I can come home and await his arrival for another sweet kiss. The simple act of a kiss from my Master fills my heart with love, because I love him so much. The touch of his fingers, or a look from him refills my heart yet again. He is my life and my life line. I miss him when we are apart, and yearn for his attention. It is love, and it is good love. I submit and he rules. That is love, and love is a quiet and beautiful, and should above all be cherished

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Generosity

I have been granted a wonderful gift. Another chance. I have sucessfully managed to screw up pretty much everything in my life and therefore everything in my Master's life. However, my Master has granted me the wonderful gift of another chance. My short-fallings shall remain between me and my Master, but suffice it to say, I am not only unworthy of him, but have learned alot and will put forth the love and admirmation I have for him to prove myself to him. I find it incredibly amazing that this wonderful man has granted this once in a lifetime opportunity. Not only is he is wonderfully gracious but he also cares enough about me to explain the situation to me so I know the rules and understand all consequences. So, to my Master, I say a heart felt Thank You, and please know that I think you are the most generous of people and that I hold you in the most highest regard, and I promise to excel for you, and you alone.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Woefully yours

To worry over matters tends to wear down one's mind, heart and soul. These days all I do is worry. Too many worries to even post. While I have my path to guide me and my Master to instruct me, I still feel lost. Too many emotions, and feeling, and worries...they are like obstacles. And each one of them is a hurddle I must overcome, but each hurddle takes on a different shape, heigth and width, so each one takes time. It's that same old cliche of feeling adrift alone on the huge ocean. My Master is instructing me, and he is most excellent at it, so why do I feel lost? My Master is the one who give the stability of an anchor and helps keep me grounded and focused. So why do I feel this way? It's me. I'm the reason I feel this way. My past haunts me, it persues me and won't let go of me. It rears it's ugly head and reminds me that I am nothing. Perhaps I take too much pleasure from being a slave and therefore I should be hounded by the past to remind me that I am nothing. To remind me that I am not worthy, that I truly don't deserve my place. And yet even though I am lost, I am happy. I am free to serve my Master, and that is all I want. I want to make my Master happy.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Testing 1-2-3

What is one to suppose to do when they don't feel well? I feel like utter crap! You see, I'm in pain from an infection in my tooth. Not only does it hurt, and it hurts alot, but it makes me feel like crap and I can't sleep....so I'm grumpy too. And when I get this way, I get quiet and tend to zone out alot. And my poor Master doesn't know what to do. I feel so bad for him because I'm sure that since I don't know what to do for myself, he doesn't either. And I don't have the energy to put makeup on let alone have a coherent thought in my head. So to my Master....I am truly sorry. I'm a pathetic excuse when I don't feel well, and you shouldn't have to put up with it, so I will strive to do better. I sort of think of this as a test, what exactly am I capable of doing for my Master while I don't feel well....I'm not sure yet, but today will be a good indication and will push my boundaries a little.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Rocky Road

This past week has been a challenge for me. I have recently had a schedule change at work and so my entire daily regimine has been completly screwed up. This in turn has thrown everything off kilter, and therefore has resulted in numerous failures on my part, which has disappointed my Master. Oh how I hate to dissapoint! The spankings are easier to take (and there has more than usual) than the disappointment I see in his eyes and hear in his voice. I'm not using the schedule change as an excuse for my failures, in fact I have come to realize that there is no excuse. I am just having a problem adjusting to trying to do the same daily routine in a different time frame. I had the realization that I need to use my time better and not try to do everything the moment I come home (which I had the luxury of doing prior to a shift change), I can with little effort shift some of my daily routine to the early morning hours. So to my Master, my most sincere apologies for not having the forethought to change my schedule earlier!! I will adapt to new schedule and decrease your disappoint in me. As I should and always will strive to be the perfect submissive and will strive to give you less stress in our world.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Why Me?

I often wonder why my Master chose me. I am far from perfect and am guilty of many things. So, I have to ask, why me? Does the Master choose the slave for any particular reason, or are there many reasons? I see myself as a non worthy candidate for my Master. My past haunts us both, and yet he chooses me as his slave. Why me? I Love my Master with all my heart and soul, and will do any and all to prove this to him. My Master is who I worship, and would do anything for, give my life for. He protects me from so many outside influences and lets me enjoy a very happy, non stressful life. So many times, such as now I have to ask myself what I've done to deserve such a special Master. An answer I may never get, but I do know that with each affirmation and each punishment I receive, I thank the powers that be that this wonderful, very special Master is mine. I know deep in my heart I don't deserve him, and everyday that I breath on this Earth and even every die when I am unable I love him to the very extreme. For I am his slave of love and will never tarnish to bonds that hold me.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

In The Beginning

As you can see by the title of this post I am fairly new to this lifestyle. I have been with my Master for 19 years, however, the D lifestyle was only implemented into our lives about 8 weeks ago. I must confess that when my Master introduced it to me, I was nervous to say the least. That nervousness stemmed from my lack of knowledge on the subject of the dominant/submissive lifestyle. When the subject was brought up to me I ignorantly thought that I was being asked to consent to a mild form of physical abuse, and by that I mean spankings. Based on my past actions I could only think that my Master would have sufficient reason to beat my butt many times every day for the rest of my life. Now mind you, we have used a few butt slaps during sex and I've always enjoyed that, but to be spanked in punishment was a frightening concept for me. I had and still have this problem with feeling humiliated by being punished this way, but this is something I will continue to work on. Because in the big scheme of things, I have no right to be humiliated, I am my Master's property and am here for his pleasure, and I want to please him by any means possible because I love with all my heart. You see our story is very unusual and I will not share the details of what happened in our relationship, but trust me when I say that the only way to save our relationship was to enter into and agree with the d/s relationship. And I couldn't be happier! I have read many blogs and different opinions and have come to the conclusion that is proper that I be submissive to my Master, it is the natural order of things. We struggled alot when I was trying to have too much say in anything and everything. Now that all the options and decisions have been taken into his hands I can lead a life that is less stressful and the battle of wills between us has disappeared. I simply don't make alot of decisions, and if I have to make a decision I will consult with my Master first, and if that is not an option I always, always, always strive to make the decision that my Master would not have to punish me for. Since we are very new to this lifestyle I have made many mistakes, and my Master has done the right thing and punished me for them. So I will continue to learn from my mistakes and hopefully, with lots and lots of love and kindness I will become worthy of my Master. I will continue my blogs in hopes that I can learn and grow with my writings. I send my appreciation out to all of you that blog that I have been fortunate enough to read.....I wouldn't be here with such high hopes for my future, and a better knowledge of the lifestyle if you hadn't shared your stories with the rest of the world.