Tuesday, July 28, 2009
To worry over matters tends to wear down one's mind, heart and soul. These days all I do is worry. Too many worries to even post. While I have my path to guide me and my Master to instruct me, I still feel lost. Too many emotions, and feeling, and worries...they are like obstacles. And each one of them is a hurddle I must overcome, but each hurddle takes on a different shape, heigth and width, so each one takes time. It's that same old cliche of feeling adrift alone on the huge ocean. My Master is instructing me, and he is most excellent at it, so why do I feel lost? My Master is the one who give the stability of an anchor and helps keep me grounded and focused. So why do I feel this way? It's me. I'm the reason I feel this way. My past haunts me, it persues me and won't let go of me. It rears it's ugly head and reminds me that I am nothing. Perhaps I take too much pleasure from being a slave and therefore I should be hounded by the past to remind me that I am nothing. To remind me that I am not worthy, that I truly don't deserve my place. And yet even though I am lost, I am happy. I am free to serve my Master, and that is all I want. I want to make my Master happy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
What is one to suppose to do when they don't feel well? I feel like utter crap! You see, I'm in pain from an infection in my tooth. Not only does it hurt, and it hurts alot, but it makes me feel like crap and I can't sleep....so I'm grumpy too. And when I get this way, I get quiet and tend to zone out alot. And my poor Master doesn't know what to do. I feel so bad for him because I'm sure that since I don't know what to do for myself, he doesn't either. And I don't have the energy to put makeup on let alone have a coherent thought in my head. So to my Master....I am truly sorry. I'm a pathetic excuse when I don't feel well, and you shouldn't have to put up with it, so I will strive to do better. I sort of think of this as a test, what exactly am I capable of doing for my Master while I don't feel well....I'm not sure yet, but today will be a good indication and will push my boundaries a little.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
This past week has been a challenge for me. I have recently had a schedule change at work and so my entire daily regimine has been completly screwed up. This in turn has thrown everything off kilter, and therefore has resulted in numerous failures on my part, which has disappointed my Master. Oh how I hate to dissapoint! The spankings are easier to take (and there has more than usual) than the disappointment I see in his eyes and hear in his voice. I'm not using the schedule change as an excuse for my failures, in fact I have come to realize that there is no excuse. I am just having a problem adjusting to trying to do the same daily routine in a different time frame. I had the realization that I need to use my time better and not try to do everything the moment I come home (which I had the luxury of doing prior to a shift change), I can with little effort shift some of my daily routine to the early morning hours. So to my Master, my most sincere apologies for not having the forethought to change my schedule earlier!! I will adapt to new schedule and decrease your disappoint in me. As I should and always will strive to be the perfect submissive and will strive to give you less stress in our world.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I often wonder why my Master chose me. I am far from perfect and am guilty of many things. So, I have to ask, why me? Does the Master choose the slave for any particular reason, or are there many reasons? I see myself as a non worthy candidate for my Master. My past haunts us both, and yet he chooses me as his slave. Why me? I Love my Master with all my heart and soul, and will do any and all to prove this to him. My Master is who I worship, and would do anything for, give my life for. He protects me from so many outside influences and lets me enjoy a very happy, non stressful life. So many times, such as now I have to ask myself what I've done to deserve such a special Master. An answer I may never get, but I do know that with each affirmation and each punishment I receive, I thank the powers that be that this wonderful, very special Master is mine. I know deep in my heart I don't deserve him, and everyday that I breath on this Earth and even every die when I am unable I love him to the very extreme. For I am his slave of love and will never tarnish to bonds that hold me.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
As you can see by the title of this post I am fairly new to this lifestyle. I have been with my Master for 19 years, however, the D lifestyle was only implemented into our lives about 8 weeks ago. I must confess that when my Master introduced it to me, I was nervous to say the least. That nervousness stemmed from my lack of knowledge on the subject of the dominant/submissive lifestyle. When the subject was brought up to me I ignorantly thought that I was being asked to consent to a mild form of physical abuse, and by that I mean spankings. Based on my past actions I could only think that my Master would have sufficient reason to beat my butt many times every day for the rest of my life. Now mind you, we have used a few butt slaps during sex and I've always enjoyed that, but to be spanked in punishment was a frightening concept for me. I had and still have this problem with feeling humiliated by being punished this way, but this is something I will continue to work on. Because in the big scheme of things, I have no right to be humiliated, I am my Master's property and am here for his pleasure, and I want to please him by any means possible because I love with all my heart. You see our story is very unusual and I will not share the details of what happened in our relationship, but trust me when I say that the only way to save our relationship was to enter into and agree with the d/s relationship. And I couldn't be happier! I have read many blogs and different opinions and have come to the conclusion that is proper that I be submissive to my Master, it is the natural order of things. We struggled alot when I was trying to have too much say in anything and everything. Now that all the options and decisions have been taken into his hands I can lead a life that is less stressful and the battle of wills between us has disappeared. I simply don't make alot of decisions, and if I have to make a decision I will consult with my Master first, and if that is not an option I always, always, always strive to make the decision that my Master would not have to punish me for. Since we are very new to this lifestyle I have made many mistakes, and my Master has done the right thing and punished me for them. So I will continue to learn from my mistakes and hopefully, with lots and lots of love and kindness I will become worthy of my Master. I will continue my blogs in hopes that I can learn and grow with my writings. I send my appreciation out to all of you that blog that I have been fortunate enough to read.....I wouldn't be here with such high hopes for my future, and a better knowledge of the lifestyle if you hadn't shared your stories with the rest of the world.